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Understanding Adoption PC

Understanding adoption PC..where do we even begin?

There are so many “politically correct (PC)” terms in the adoption world. Understanding Adoption PC can be more confusing than most other issues in adoption. A term that is ok in one online group may get you banned from another group. Sometimes that is displayed clearly in the group’s rules and other times you don’t find out until 15 group members simultaneously virtually jump down your throat.

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So here are the adoption PC basic abbreviations and meaning in hopes of helping your Understanding of Adoption PC

AD Adoptive Dad
AF Adoptive Father
AI Artificial Insemination
AM Adoptive Mother
AP Adoptive Parent/s
BC Birth Certificate
BF Birth Father or Biological Father (also BDad)
BM Birth Mother or Biological Mother (also BMom )
CoC Certificate of Citizenship
Consent Voluntary consent to adoption (signed by biological mother/father)
DD Dear Daughter
DH Dear Husband
DS Dear Son
DW Dear Wife
DOA Date Of Adoption
DOB Date Of Birth
DOR Date Of Referral
DOT Date Of Travel
EM  Expectant Mother
FP Fingerprint / Fingerprinting
FM First Mother
FF First Father
FP Fingerprint / Fingerprinting, may also be Family Placement
HS Home Study / homestudy
IA International Adoption
INS Immigration & Naturalization Service (now USCIS)
NSN Non-Special Needs
PAP Prospective Adoptive Parent(s)
PPR Post Placement Report
RAD Reactive Attachment Disorder
SN Special Needs
SW Social Worker
TA Travel Approval
TPR Termination of Parental Rights
USCIS US Customs & Immigration Services (Dept. of Homeland Security)
WC Waiting Child

The main conflicts in adoption PC seem to be what to call who in relation to the child’s family.  The woman who has not yet given birth should always be an expectant mother (with expectant father, and whatever other family is involved).  This is because this woman (or the father) may decide to parent at anytime up to the day that her/his voluntary consent to adoption becomes irrevocable.  The law on the time period for being able to revoke the consent varies from state to state.  A child placed for adoption then has 2 sets of parents and sometimes a whole host of other family.  Each situation is different and families have to decide for themselves what to call everyone.  The biological mother is usually called by her first name or some combination of ‘Mom’ and the first name, however online that is a different story.  Some people use the terms Birth Mom, BioMom, BM, BMom or First Mom to describe the woman who gave birth to the child.  These terms are used by both biological mothers/fathers and adoptive parents and family.

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From our personal situation, I don’t think putting any label before my son’s mother’s position seems right.  I wouldn’t want to have to go my whole life being called Little Man’s adoptive mother.  I am his mother.  Calling her his birth mom or biological mom just feels like I am limiting her significance in his life.  Our son was placed from her loving arms into ours by her when he was 7 month’s old.  She had loved him and raised him to that point and we were going to take over.  He is OUR son, the 3 of us.  Just because she isn’t here day to day doesn’t reduce her position to me.  He will always know he has 2 mothers (his other father was never involved).  I guess when he gets to school and talks about having 2 moms I may have to explain that we aren’t a quaint lesbian couple, but that he was adopted…and yes, I also subscribe to the camp that says after adoption is final that a child “was adopted” not “is adopted”.  it’s something that happened, not a label unless he or we need to bring up the subject.  We aren’t ashamed, it’s just not all of his story, and he doesn’t have to be defined by it.  That’s also an adoption PC issue.  For now, we call his other mom by her first name and when he is old enough to understand, he can decide.

Hope this helps you more than confuses you with Understanding Adoption PC.  Good luck in your adoption journey!

 

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Adoption Trolls…The worst of the worst

Nothing will ruin your online day like a troll, but there is a special breed of troll that is the worst of the worst…the adoption troll

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ADOPTION TROLL– Person who seeks out adoption groups and people hoping to adopt then proceeds to tear apart the adoption process and hopeful parents, never offers a positive experience, and rarely is an adoptive/foster parent themselves.

If you haven’t encountered an adoption troll in your journey yet, then you are very lucky.  These adoption trolls are most often online but can also be misguided friends and family that troll you unintentionally because of misinformation.  I am writing this post today because of an incident on an adoption board I recently saw where yet another adoption troll had hijacked a thread of a woman who was considering adoption to add to her family and was seeking honest advice.  The adoption troll  in question wasted no time ripping her apart, then the process in general and then everyone else who posted.  Again, this was an ADOPTION group that supports people who have actually placed or adopted a child, and clearly this person had done neither, so why they joined the group I have no clue, except to be a pain to us all.  I also had a truly awful online experience when we began our journey when I asked how other people raised funds.  I got NO helpful info and was so beaten down by the horrible responses that I deleted the thread.

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So here are tips to spot adoption trolls and how to handle them because they seem to only have the same basic 4 issues.

1.  “If you want to adopt, you should adopt a child from foster care”– Ok, I am just going to speak about foster care in the US because I have no experience with the system in other countries.  Yes, children in foster care need families perhaps more than any other child.  However, these children have a unique set of circumstances that other children may not because they HAVE been abused or neglected or they would not be in foster care.  There is of course the rare instance when children go into foster care because the parent(s) can not provide for them and request care, but this is not the majority of cases.  An abused or neglected child has experienced trauma that can stick with them their entire lives, even infants put into foster care at birth because of substance abuse.  It takes a very special type of person or family to understand the needs of these children and provide the patience and resources they need.  You can’t go into the foster care process without realizing that.  The laws very in every state, but most families have multiple foster child placements before they are able to adopt a child from the system and sometimes it takes a very long time to adopt from the system.  Any or all of these issues could mean that a foster child would not be the right choice for a family.  This does not make that family evil people for choosing to adopt another way.  It just means they realize their circumstances and that would not be the best for the foster child or their family.  Adoption trolls that use this argument usually have ZERO experience with the foster care system.  They haven’t worked with it, been in it, or been a foster parent themselves.

2.  “There are so many kids in this country that need homes, why are you adopting internationally?”– This is similar to the foster care argument.  Children in other countries often face far worse lives than we could ever imagine just because they are orphans and the culture and economy can’t or won’t support them and it’s even worse for special needs orphans.  Seeing them everyday on television and the internet just breaks your heart, how could you not love them?  International children are often older and have also experienced trauma and neglect.  The situation is very different if you have a closed, international adoption or an open domestic adoption.    One situation is no better or worse.  You just have to be really honest about what you are willing to do and can handle on a daily basis and you have the right and responsibility to make those decisions.

3.  “You should give that money to the pregnant woman so she can keep her baby”– This is an adoption troll favorite and you will see it time and time again.  There are as many reasons for placing a child for adoption as their are reasons to adopt.  Financial reasons are not the only factor for a woman thinking about choosing adoption for her child.  There are many resources available to pregnant women that are provided by the government or local organizations in their areas so that if money is their only issue and they want to raise their baby, they have financial help.  If money was the only issue, there would probably be a lot less adoptions.  Plus what good would your one time donation of whatever amount really do for this woman in the long run to raise this child his/her whole life? Yes adoption is usually very experience, for a variety of reasons that are a whole other topic, but giving that money to a pregnant woman would rarely have any impact on her decision for parenting.  Also, many adoptions give the expectant mother “birth mother expenses” so her finances are not horribly impacted by the pregnancy.

4.  “Adoptive parents parents are just liars that say whatever they have to so they can get a child”– This is a big argument against open adoption.  I will say that, of course, unfortunately this does happen, but it’s by no means the rule in open adoptions.  The decision on how much contact the families will maintain after placement is completely between them.  There are also many reasons why families stop contact and that can happen on either side.

That being said, if you are choosing this option, be completely open and honest with the expectant or first mother and your adoption worker (if you have someone helping you) about what you will do in the future, assuming all circumstances stay the same.  No one would expect you to maintain contact if a first/biological family became verbally or otherwise abusive or criminal activity started, but if you agree to a certain level of contact, always keep that agreement.  If you lose contact because of a lack of communication from the biological family (like they move and don’t tell you where), still keep up your end by giving letters/pictures/updates to your adoption attorney or worker.  Things can also change for the better and you end up with MORE contact than you originally agreed to, and that is even better.  You honestly won’t know until you meet the pregnant woman (and sometimes family) how open you could be, but always be honest about it.  We had agreed to be open with a least letters and pics every so often before we were matched, but once we met Little Man’s other mom we just developed a very open, close relationship and now text almost daily, visit once a month or more and attend each other’s family functions.  Do not feel threatened by contact.  They placed their baby for a reason and recognize your position. Don’t miss the opportunity for as much contact as you want. it will help your child feel more secure, not confused.  Kids are smarter than us and know who is who even before they can talk.

5.  “You won’t love that baby like a biological child”– I actually got this from some family members unfortunately.  Now I never had a biological child but know many families that have biological children and many with a mix of biological and adopted children.  I can’t imagine that I could love my son any more if he had grown in my body.  This argument is just ridiculous.  You will love any child you raise..biological, adopted, stepchild, or whatever other option, and you will love them all tremendously.

My best advice to you, that is easier said than done, is to not feed the adoption trolls.  Even with the most sound argument, you can’t win with then, even when you are correct.  They are full of bad information and only focus on bad experiences.  Bad experiences do happen and we all need to hear and acknowledge them, but overwhelmingly the good experiences happen so much more often.  Just delete and block them and move on with your day.  You have love in your heart to share and no one should try to take that from you.

Good luck!

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The 3rd option no one talks about…Adoption

Pregnancy test

The often overlooked 3rd option for pregnancy…adoption.

Getting that positive pregnancy test result is not always welcome news.  A woman/couple may have 100 reasons why this is not the right time to parent, but it seems like there is rarely discussed  another option besides abortion.  Medical providers, pregnancy centers, activist groups and even social workers focus on parenting or abortion as a woman’s only choices when facing an inconvenient/unplanned/unexpected pregnancy.  We focus on preventing abortions but never even mention the 3rd option, adoption, and explain all the benefits and resources available during and after adoption.

The world has an overall negative view of adoption. Now those of us touched by adoption with positive experiences seem to be the minority, but I don’t think this is actually the case.  I think our voices have not been loud enough.  It goes back to the old business example about word of mouth advertising…give a customer a positive experience and they will recommend you to friends and family if they can and that’s great to build a business, but have one negative experience and that one customer can ruin you. They will blast that experience out on social media and tell anyone that will listen and your business is destroyed.  I think a lot of that has happened in our society in regards to adoption.

Tell 5 people you want to adopt and I can almost guarantee you that at least 1, if not 3, will tell you a negative adoption/foster experience they know about.  (I also found out this happens when you tell people you are getting married. I heard about 15 stories of ruined cakes, bad weather and every other wedding horror story you can imagine)  I don’t think these people intend to rain on your happy moment. I think they are just relating the only way they know how and unfortunately, that is usually a negative story.  We need to be loud and proud and tell all our great stories as much as we can.  We all have a difficult journey to adoption parenthood, but that doesn’t mean it was a negative, nightmare experience, and many of us go through it multiple times, in multiple ways.

I know choosing adoption is not the easiest, or most convenient choice.  You won’t be able to hide the pregnancy (usually, but I have heard situations where it happened) and you may not have a lot of support from family or friends.  Most people do not understand what adoption truly is now.  It’s not a shameful secret where your baby is snatched away and you never have contact again.  Usually there is a degree of openness that is determined by both families.  We need to help educate people about this.  An adopted child can still be a major part of their birth/biological/first family’s lives.  There are many resources for the mother during her pregnancy and after. She does not have to face the situation alone if she has no support structure at home.

This issue isn’t as sexy as other hot button topics, but our politicians should help reform the broken systems that create the bad situations and give this community a positive voice.  We all need to be the force for change.

Personally, I am very blessed to have a great relationship with my little guy’s first mother.  We text nearly everyday about him and whatever is going on in our lives and we see her about every 2 weeks.  Adoption can be, and often is, a beautiful thing.  Let’s spread the word and share our stories. We need to bring about change and reform.  We need to bring adoption into the light and let others see that we don’t need to be ashamed of our choices.  It’s all about love and the children.